i am bluejean500

Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 33

2011-10-09T22:28:00.000-05:00

hey. just a quick note before i head off to sleep. my heart's broken.

Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 32

2011-09-25T23:14:00.000-05:00

oh slimmy. why do i wait so long to pour my heart out at your feet? you know those struggles i've been through? well i'm going through the same struggles again, this time with the other one. not as often but just as intense. it's tiring, slim. i am so, so tired. i feel beat up, beat down, and beat out. a constant losing battle. can't a girl get a break for fuck's sake? i want peace, i seek it, yet can never seem to grasp it. i keep pushing on but fear that i'll blindly push too hard and go freefalling downward. what to do? seek refuge in my work? my thoughts and emotions? or other unsavory choices? the path you chose seems awfully tempting at this turn, but i recoil at the possible dangerous end result of that. motherfuck, slim.

Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 31

2011-07-06T20:32:00.000-05:00

hey slim. i'm in love. again. and i'm not sure how i feel about it. i questioned whether it was real or maybe i was just imagining it since i've been so lonely but, nope, i'm definitely in love. am i happy? not sure. i'm glad that i'm able to feel again, but don't know if it's the right thing to be doing. it's definitely unrequited, so maybe that's why i'm questioning it. i don't know slim, i'm just so tired of feeling this way. help me please. love, me

Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 30

2011-05-13T11:46:00.000-05:00

i'm at the end of my rope, slim, and my hands are slipping. the struggle to hang on is too great. who will catch me if i fall?

Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 29

2011-05-01T21:39:00.000-05:00

well, slim, that happiness i was a feeling not long ago has subsided once again. i'm not doing too good anymore. as expected, things have taken a turn for the worst and the downward spiral has picked up speed. it's a very different state of mind this time, nothing i've ever felt before. it's seriously scaring me, slim.

Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 28

2011-04-15T20:43:00.001-05:00

Hey slim,

Lightbulbs were going off in my head today like fireworks lighting up the night sky. epiphany central, i'm telling you. i learned a lot about myself and i must say it's quite an eye opener. hell, i'm more complex than i thought. which is fascinating, considering i haven't felt this real and wide open in a very long time. it's a good thing! maybe now i can break down those bricks, huh? there's a new freedom to be had, and i quite like it. like riding on a real nice high. the demons are still there, i can see them pretty clearly now though, rather than through clouded eyes. i think my heart sang a little today, too!

love,
J

p.s. marty's teaching me to play johnny cash on the guitar!

Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 27

2011-04-11T22:45:00.000-05:00

Hey Slim,

Man am I feeling blah. Blase skippy! I know that's out of context, but so what. You see what's been going on, right? What a clusterfuck if there ever was one. Is he coming, or am I going? Is he turning into him, and is he EVER going to straighten out? Am I Seraphine? All these unanswered questions have my head spinning. It's too heavy a burden to bear.

I can't talk right now. It's just too much.

Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 26

2011-04-06T22:32:00.000-05:00

Hi. Ok, so this is what I want to say:

9:41p
"softening the blow? you're trying to figure out a way to let me down easy, aren't you? whether you let someone down easy or not, you still let them down. i'm heartbroken. i know i'm not good enough for you yet i still want to pretend that maybe, just maybe, i am. so i keep saying i want out, then come running back. you give me fleeting glimpses of what could be, then snatch it away. you keep my heart on a string and dangle it in front of me like a fucking carrot. tease, retreat, tease, retreat. repeat often. i love you, dammit. and you don't even like me. those words are like salt in the wound. time to stitch that baby up."

It's a harsh ending, no? I get angry and go off on a tangent! Should rein that in, huh? I'll rework it and be back. :)

10:27p
I've reworked it and came up with this: "goodbye."

:(

Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 25

2011-03-29T18:08:00.000-05:00

Hey,

It's a new day, and I have a new attitude, Slim. For the first time in a long time I feel better. I don't feel great necessarily, but I'm not as down as I've been. Chalk it up to exercise, solitude, and meditation. I've become a bit more outspoken too, which really lifts my spirit. I've adopted this "No, I won't shut the fuck up" attitude, thank you very much. It's so liberating! Creativity has surged, and motivation is kicking up. I'm constantly inspired...it's just pure joy. Wish you could share this with me. Oh wait, you already are.

Love,
J

Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 24

2011-02-27T23:18:00.000-06:00

Hey Slim. I'm now two months into a brand new year, but it hardly seems like a new beginning for me. It's just the same old stuff over and over again. Time passes like a ride on a rollercoaster, with one day filled with nothing but 'up,' and the next completely 'down.' I'm so, so tired of this, Slimmy. I've got myself wrapped up in a slew of different projects just to avoid sitting idle and dwelling on what was, what wasn't, what is, what isn't, and what the hell is going to come. I long for the opportunity to let it all out, but without an open set of ears to oblige me I fall silent, holding it deep within my conscience. Slumber brings wishes and desires from my subconscious, and then the light of day hits with a desperate realization. If only my mind could go numb.

Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 23

2010-12-25T10:55:00.001-06:00

Merry Christmas, Slim. Today marks 8 years. Doesn't seem that long, does it? I'm extremely emotional today. Tears well up and fall as if on cue. My mind is racing a mile a minute and I can't think straight. I want to be alone, but must endure their presence. I will try to keep busy to get me through. Wish me luck. I love you.

Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 22

2010-12-01T20:47:00.000-06:00

Hi Slim,

Well, so much for keeping up with my writing. Lately I'm a warrior fighting many, many battles. A one-woman army if you will. And I'm getting hit from all sides. It's exhausting and I'm thisclose to raising the white flag in surrender. But will I? You know, Slim, I keep getting told what a "strong" woman I am considering all that I've been through. Oh, if those people only knew the half of it. But one thing's for sure and that is I don't feel so strong. I may appear strong on the outside, but inside my spirit is broken and my will is waning. ("Where it's at! I got 2 turntables and a microphone".....thank the heavens for Beck. hehe) As I was saying, I feel increasingly weak day by day. I'll be nothing more than an empty shell pretty soon! Ugh, I don't know Slim. What's to become of me, hmmm? I push on and on and on...and speaking of which I need to get back to my orders (biz is really picking up thanks to him). I guess being busy pushes that white flag further down.

I miss you, Slim. But then again, I don't.

J

Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 21

2010-07-16T10:54:00.002-05:00

Hey Slim,

I know I’ve been pretty lax in writing to you regularly. Sorry about that. Things have been pretty busy lately, not to mention stressful. I wanted to tell you about this house I visited last night. You saw it, didn’t you? It’s so beautiful, filled with cushy furniture, kitschy knick knacks, well-read books, thriving plants, photos galore…you name it, it was in this house! It wasn’t too far from the home we once shared. Actually, it was just around the corner. I couldn’t help feeling pangs of envy as I walked through, feeling the love and comfort flowing from room to room. It’s the kind of home where you feel welcome and comfortable from the moment you walk through the door. Even the four legged occupants of the home welcomed me with excited barking and slobbery kisses. There was such a wonderful feeling of peace that came over me as I sat at the kitchen table just chatting away. I don’t know if it was the warm color palette used on everything from the walls to the furniture to the rugs, or if it was just from simply being in a house that someone very lovingly turned into a home. Whatever it was, it was inspiring. You know, Slim, I still haven’t forgiven myself for failing to turn our house into a home. It was what you wanted from me and what I wanted from myself and I let us both down. I wish I could go back in time and make things right. I would make that house an oasis of comfort, one in which you would feel most loved and never want to leave. But it’s too late for that now, huh? I’m so, so sorry.

Love,
J

Dear G

2010-04-13T14:37:00.002-05:00

I thought of you today, but that is nothing new.

I thought about you yesterday and days before that, too.

I think of you in silence. I sometimes speak your name.

All I have are my memories, no more picture in a frame.

Your memory is a keepsake from which I’ll never part.

I’ll never have you in my arms but I’ll always have you in my heart.

Baby, I’ll always love you.

Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 20

2010-03-20T08:38:00.000-05:00

Three strikes, Slim, and I’m out. I got the bad news recently: things are “winding down.” You know what that means, don’t you? I lost…again…for the third and last time. There’s no point in holding on any more. Any kind of future full of hope and promise and happiness and joy is gone. Tears have permanently replaced smiles and laughter, and I’ve locked up my heart nice and tight, never to open it again. It seems I’d been right all along. I kept trying to convince myself what I was feeling was fear and panic and paranoia. That it was all in my head…just my imagination playing tricks on me. But it’s so much more than that, Slim, it’s reality coming to slap me upside the head and purge my subconscious from any delusions of things turning around. So I’m embracing reality. Fuck it, no more pretending. It is what it is and I just have to accept it. Easier said than done, I know, but what choice do I really have?

Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 19

2010-02-15T19:03:00.002-06:00

Hey Slim,

Breathe in, breathe out. At times like these I have to remember to breathe in, breathe out. You know what I'm talking about. My mind is racing and my heart is pounding and I just have to remember to breathe. That one simple act seems to clear my head and slow my heart, so I try to quiet myself by locking myself in room and just breathing. I know this is something that isn't a necessity for you anymore, but I know you understand. Isn't it funny how I always turn to you since I have nowhere else to turn? I cry out for help and my prayers seem to wither away and die, so I turn to the one whose breath no longer exists. Sad, I know. But that's what life has turned out to be: sad. Sadness and misery, hopelessness and fear. I thought I was through with this all those years ago, but it seems there's a whole lot more of that in store for me. Each day I learn to accept it a little bit more, but that's not to say that isn't just as hard for me now as it was then. Total numbness is closing in. Maybe, just maybe, when that numbness sets in none of this will make my mind race or my heart pound. All I'll need to do is breathe.

Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 18

2010-01-03T21:54:00.003-06:00

Well, Slim, as you can see the new year has started off really bad. Your wish has came true a thousand times over, while my prayers and pleas for help go unanswered. It hardly seems fair, you know. I have already suffered and endured a lifetime of misery and heartbreak, and still can't seem to catch a break. I can't help but wonder if this is some sort of joke. Laughter rings in my ears, but it's not me who's laughing. It's you, staring down at me, piercing a hole through my heart the size of the moon, laughing so hard the earth shakes. Tell me, Slim, what is it that I've done to deserve this? Have I been chosen to bear the sorrow of a hundred others, so that they may feel happiness? I'm kind of feeling like the proverbial lamb here, all good things that could be mine have been sacrificed for the sake of others. Why me? Should I hold on to faith, and keep hoping and praying? Will that do any good? I mean, it hasn't done any good so far so what's the point, right? I don't know, Slim, I'm just finding it so hard to simply believe in anything right now.

Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 17

2009-12-20T22:34:00.003-06:00

Dear Slim,

I think I was given another "sign" last night, and I'm pretty sure I now fully understand what's in store. It's been my suspicion all along, but I never really wanted to believe it. I'm giving in, Slim. No longer will I believe that it's just my imagination or that I'm overreacting. Things have become much, much clearer. It's been a long, hard fight and I'm exhausted. I've been beat down, put down, and let down, and now there's nothing left for me to do but stay down. All hope is lost and I cannot rely on faith anymore. Determination used to be the driving force that kept me pushing on but I've lost that, too. I fold, Slimmy. I tried and tried but there's just no winning this battle. I am weak and I am spent. I will walk this long, dark, never ending tunnel alone, never again searching for the light at the end.

Love,
J

Precious Pain

2009-12-14T11:01:00.000-06:00

Everybody's got a hunger
No matter where they are
Everybody clings to their own fear
Everybody hides some scar

Precious pain
Empty and cold but it keeps me alive
I gave it my soul so that I could survive
Keeping me safe in these chains
Precious pain

Everybody's got a reason
To abandon their plan
How can I think of tomorrow
With my sorrow in hand

Precious pain
Empty and cold but it keeps me alive
I gave it my soul so that I could survive
Keeping me safe in these chains
Precious pain

Each road that I walk down
Reminds me of you
This whole town is haunted
There'll never be anything new

Precious pain
Empty and cold but it keeps me alive
I gave it my soul so that I could survive
Keeping me safe in these chains
Precious pain

-Melissa Etheridge, "Precious Pain"

Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 16

2009-12-01T22:40:00.006-06:00

Hey Slim.
I am so, so tired.
I'm tired of arrogant, self-centered people.
I'm tired of hearing about others' good fortune and not being able to tell of my own.
I'm tired of not having good fortune of my own.
I'm tired of being lonely.
I'm tired of being alone.
I'm tired of being ugly.
I'm tired of not being able to pursue MY passion.
I'm tired of having to deal with the daily stress.
I'm tired of being a single parent.
I'm tired of the lack of support.
I'm tired of feeling like I don't belong. Anywhere.
I'm tired of not being good enough.
I'm tired of the sorrow and sadness.
I'm tired of the tears.
I'm tired of pretending that everything's fine.
I'm tired of living in this two bit town.
I'm tired of loving those who don't reciprocate.
I'm tired of thinking life will get better.
I'm tired of having too much to do and too little time to do it all.
I'm tired of hoping, and dreaming, and praying, and wishing.
I'm tired of hanging on.

J

Hear My Voice

2009-11-05T12:05:00.002-06:00

I am a survivor of domestic abuse and have told my story here. When I first stumbled upon Violence UnSilenced and read through the stories of those survivors brave enough to tell them, I felt inspired to reveal my secret and tell my story as well. It took me months to put the story into words. I kept rethinking what I was writing and couldn’t decide which parts I wanted to keep in and which I wanted left out. After finally finishing my draft, I then struggled for many more months with whether or not I actually wanted to submit my story. After all, it was something I held in for years, never telling anyone because I felt ashamed and embarrassed. So I went back to the site and read the stories of other survivors over and over again, and decided that I wanted to be just as courageous as them. I wanted to stand up and say “I have a story, too.” So this is it. My secret, my story.

Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 15

2009-10-20T19:50:00.000-05:00

Hey Slim,

Well as you can see, alot has been happening with me. Some exciting stuff, some mediocre stuff, and some real heart breaking stuff. I've come to the realization that I need to accept life unconditionally. It is what it is, and I must accept things as they come. Make the best of things as they are, and try my damndest to live life to the fullest. It's easier said than done, I know, but I need to trust in the Creator and let Him guide my path. You know I gave up religion years ago, Slim, but I still consider myself to be spiritual. I pray, though not as often as I should. Maybe the time has come for me to sit and have a good long talk with that great God in the sky, put all my worries and cares in His hands, and let Him do with them as He pleases. Father knows best, right? So...I'd love to get your take on all that's been happening. What do you think of my plans and goals and dreams and hopes? I still have dreams you know, Slimmy. I dream of success and happiness. I dream that someday all of the heartache and sorrow will be so far behind me...a distant, faded memory not worth the time or energy it takes to dwell on it, not even for a second. I dream that my broken, shattered heart will mend completely and I will once again feel whole and complete. I dream that all the suffering and misery will make way to contentment and peace. Tell me it's possible, Slim. Tell me I'm not holding on to hope that isn't really there. Tell me that through all of the darkness and struggles and hardships there is light and I just need to keep reaching for it. I desperately need to know that, Slim. I need to know that all of this will make me stronger and wiser. I need to know my dreams will come true.

Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 14

2009-09-22T12:27:00.003-05:00

Hey Slim,

I wish I could get your take on everything that's been going on. I know you're watching, and hope that others (you know who I mean) are watching, too. At a crossroads I stand, debating which way to go. One way could lead to mass destruction, and possibly death. The other could lead me down a slick, icy slope. Standing still, choosing neither, really sounds like the best course right now. Eventually, though, circumstances will force me to choose. I never thought life would turn out like this, Slim. Does everything really happen for a reason? I mean seriously, there can't possibly be any good reason why I deal with this drama day in and day out. What a burden that's been placed on me!! We all have our cross to bear, and mine bears the weight of the world...and then some! Where do I find the answers to all of my burning questions? Heck, I'd be happy with just a little guidance. I don't understand it, Slim. I don't understand why I was chosen to get battered like this. How do I deserve this?

Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 13

2009-09-09T13:31:00.002-05:00

Happy 45th Birthday Slim!

Ever since that fateful day almost seven years ago, your birthday has been bittersweet for me. Today always marks the start of "The Stretch," that period of time from now through New Year's Day when a barrage of emotions courses through me like bullets, one after the other, leaving gaping holes in my soul. From happiness to sadness to anger to resentment to loneliness. And of course there's the guilt. The guilt of knowing I was never enough of a wife, a mother, a woman. I will feel the full impact of all these emotions for the next several months. Through the holidays which I will undoubtedly spend alone, again, until New Year's Day when I will once again resolve to put my life in perspective.

The Stretch has been killing me slowly, Slim. It steals a little more breath from my life each year. This time I promised myself that your birthday would be just that: the day that celebrates your birth and nothing more. I promised myself I would not let it be the beginning of a four month crying jag but a twenty four hour period where I will keep you in my thoughts with only the good memories. Yeah, right. I woke up this morning feeling as if I'd been hit by a truck. How can the pain still feel so fresh and new after all these years? It's never going to get any easier will it, Slim? No, probably not. So this year instead of fighting it I'm giving in to The Stretch. Embracing it, if you will. I'm going to allow myself to feel each and every one of those emotions and, as usual, I'm going to do it all alone. Will I emerge stronger on January 2? Probably not. But I hope I will at least feel a little better.

I Will Always Love You.

J

Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 12

2009-08-20T21:46:00.002-05:00

Dear Slim,

I'm feeling so lost right now and don't know where to turn. I'm losing interest in the things I love most and can't find the motivation, nor the energy, to pull myself out of this funk. Looking around at everything that needs to be done just puts me in such a sour mood. I try to pysch myself out and push myself to get moving, but end up just falling back feeling defeated. I'm extremely irritable and my mood swings are so unpredictable lately that I'm starting to get on my own nerves. Everything seems to be falling apart right before my very eyes. I'm no longer feeling determined or adventurous. I'd rather just waste the days away doing absolutely nothing. I'm losing faith in myself, Slim. And forget about hope. It just all seems so hopeless. I can almost feel my dream slipping through my fingers and I don't have the strength to hold on to it anymore. I'm losing the will to go on, Slim. Help me.

Love,
J

Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 11

2009-08-12T12:37:00.002-05:00

Oh Slim, I think I've made a very big mistake. Do you remember how I told you before that I was going to tell the story? Well, I sent someone a rough draft of it, and now I'm regretting doing so. I wanted someone to hear it before I went public with it. Someone near and dear to my heart. I didn't want it's online publication to be the very first time the story was ever told. I thought sending it to him first would ease my anxiety over putting it all out there. What if he thinks less of me now, Slim? Not that he really thinks much of me anyway, but still. One of the main reasons I've kept this secret was because I didn't want anyone to see how damaged I am, how un-whole. On the other hand, I decided I would submit it because I wanted to be free from the demon. Now I'm wondering if I'll ever be free again. That demon has a stranglehold on me, Slim. Why did you do this to me? I would've hung the moon and stars for you, yet you managed to extinguish their bright lights from my life forever. This isn't fair. I now once again grapple with the decision to let him go. If you love something, let it go, right? Leave him be, knowing he holds possession of my deep, dark secret. Dammit Slimmy!

Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 10

2009-07-18T13:03:00.002-05:00

Hi Slim,

Just wanted to pop in real quick and let you know I've made a decision. I'm not going to fight it anymore, I'm accepting things for what they are. This is obviously the life that's been laid out for me and no matter how much it hurts, I really don't believe it will ever change. I'm going forward with my plans...you know the ones...and have already started thinking about the details. I'm tired and weary of holding on to hope, and honestly think that there isn't much hope left. If this is how it has to be, then so be it. I have a very long wait ahead of me, but I pray it will all be worth it. I'll keep you posted on the details.

Love,
J

Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 9

2009-07-16T11:40:00.001-05:00

Hey,

I'm feeling a bit lonely, Slim. I've got all these crazy, mixed up feelings of anger, excitement, apprehension, sadness (to name a few) and am ready to explode. You're the only one I trust with any of this. Pretty sad, huh? I felt the most comfortable with you, and never felt afraid to express myself. Now I'm afraid to open my mouth to anyone about how I feel. I tried that recently, and look where it got me. Looking foolish and regretting uttering a single word. You're the only one who ever cared, Slim....well, at least you seemed to care before all of that happened. I just wish I had someone I could call when I'm feeling this way. Someone who will take the time to lend an ear, offer words of encouragement, be supportive, and tell me it's all going to be ok. Someone I could go to when no words are necessary, just a big old bear hug will suffice. Why have I been left all alone, Slim? Do you think you can find out for me? I want to believe there's a reason for all of this, I really do. But right now I can't.

Thanks,
J

Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 8

2009-07-08T12:56:00.005-05:00

My dear Slim,

I've taken on a new project. One that I've never, ever considered taking on before, and one that I never discuss with anyone. You know what I'm talking about don't you, Slim? It's THE story. The one I've hidden deep down inside of me all these years. The one that's left me permanently scarred. The one that shattered my heart, my spirit, my world. The one I still have not recovered from. That's right my man, I'm telling that story for everyone to hear. I'm terrified and excited at the same time. I figure that maybe if I open up about it, let it all out, I can finally find some closure. After all it is still an open wound, still seeping blood, still breeding infection. Maybe telling the story out loud will be like sutures closing that wound, finally allowing it to heal. What do you think, Slimmy? I'm about to tell the whole wide world about the pain and suffering, the heartache and misery, the death and destruction. Will it rip through your cold heart to hear me tell it the way it will rip through my soul? I know this is something I need to do. In fact, I should've done it a long time ago. I'm still scared, Slim, but I've always been scared. That's nothing new.

Love,
J

Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 7

2009-06-16T23:02:00.003-05:00

Hey Slimmy, loooong time no chat, huh? Well from where you sit I know you can see what's been happening with me. I can only imagine how you feel about it all. I've tried to do things differently, and I'm sorry to say I've failed miserably and you were right all along. It's time for me to surrender Slim, so I'm laying my sorry self at your feet. I can no longer pretend I can control it. My fears have come to light. Everything I tried so hard to avoid has come full circle and is slapping me in the face. I've abandoned all hope that my heart will realize what it's been longing for for so long. The empty hole has grown so large so that it consumes my entire being. So I'm through. Yes Slim, I'm waving the white flag. Throwing in the towel. Calling it quits. I've given all I've got, and I'm spent. I just can't fight this battle anymore. My body, mind, and soul is tired. My spirit is broken and bruised. Irreparable damage has been done, and I no longer have the will to fix it. I can't even bend down to TRY and pick up the pieces. Yeah, things are that bad, Slim, and I can't go on thinking that everything's going to be ok. I'm convinced things will never be ok again. So I accept things for what they are, and admit that I'm not strong enough, or good enough, to change them. This is the life I was given. And I guess the life I must lead until that sweet, sweet peace comes for me. I love you.

Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 6

2008-10-05T23:30:00.001-05:00

What's poppin' there, Slimmy? Did you happen to see me tonight? Did you see how good I was? Did your cold, cold heart burn with envy? It's too bad, isn't it Slim? Too late for you to enjoy it now, huh? Oh, how I still wish things could've been different, but we both know that will never, ever happen again. You always thought you were irreplaceable, but the truth is that there was always someone better out there. Someone smarter, someone funnier...someone legal! HA! Laugh with me, Slimmy, for there's nothing you can do about it now. Where's it headed, you ask? Only the Good Lord above knows, and I leave it in His very capable hands. I'm just going to enjoy it while I have it. No worries about callous words or pounding fists. No worries about distrust or dishonesty. It feels GOOD for once, Slimmy. It makes me HAPPY, which is an emotion I haven't felt in its true sense in a long time. You took alot from me, Slim, but you can't take this feeling from me. All you can do now is watch, and weep. Ironic how the tables have turned. How I was the one weeping as I helplessly watched you destroy everything we had, knowing if I fought to keep it all together, you'd hold me back even more. I guess everything really does happen for a reason. What you put me through really did make me stronger, and for that I suppose I should thank you. So from the bottom of my heart I thank you for being the domineering, pompous dolt that you were. It enabled me to pick myself up and put me back on that pedestal, and shine like the star that I am. Sweet dreams, Slimmy boy, sweet dreams...

Encrypted

2008-09-16T20:23:00.000-05:00

Jocooly, Jocooly, where'd you go?

You left me in the dark, you know.

Harsh words of yours, oh how they'd sting.

You know I didn't miss a thing.

Your bark, your bite, your iron fist,

Do you burn to have now what you missed?

The sex, the drugs, the rock & roll.

That kind of life will take it's toll.

You know that now, don't you Jo,

As you watch too late, see it ebb & flow?

Jocooly, Jocooly, where'd you go?

I'm headed for the light, asshole.

Desiderata

2008-09-13T12:28:00.006-05:00

Go placidly amid the noise & haste, & remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly & clearly; & listen to others, even the dull & ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud & aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain & bitter; for always there will be greater & lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity & disenchantment it is perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue & loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees & the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors & aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery & broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy.

FOUND IN OLD SAINT PAUL'S CHURCH, BALTIMORE; DATED 1692

Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 5

2008-09-07T21:53:00.002-05:00

Alright, Slim, for the moment I'm going to let down my guard and engage in a little heart-to-heart with you. Now don't go getting your pearly white shorts all in a twist about it as my nostalgic mindset is only temporary. Oftentimes I daydream about those long weekends we spent holed up doing absolutely nothing but laying about in front of the television, watching rerun after rerun. Do you remember those weekends, Slim? Those were the good old days, huh? When you thought of me as your best lady who you could turn to when you needed to retreat from the chaos of that hard-knock life you so loved to live? Ah, what I wouldn't give to be that lady again. I know I could never be your lady again, but is it so far-fetched of me to think someone else could think of me that way? I was so good to you back then...waiting on you hand and foot, fulfilling your every need. I miss that, Slim. I miss loving and caring for someone so much that I didn't think twice when I was asked for something, no matter how trivial the request. It was pure pleasure to be at your disposal. I need to be needed like that again, Slim. To feel like there's a purpose somewhere in the midst of all this confusion. To know that somewhere, someone needs me. They need the warmth of my body next to theirs in order to feel safe. Just as you needed mine and I needed yours. Do you think that's a possibility for me, Slim, or am I just holding on to a ghost from a dream?

Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 4

2008-08-25T17:41:00.003-05:00

What's up, Slim? I know it's been awhile, but alot has been going on. Your beloved was hospitalized a few months ago....I can only imagine your heartache in seeing his little body lie helpless in that hospital bed. And I did a three day stint in the hospital myself a couple weeks ago. It seems your wish came full circle, huh? They did me in, Slim. They got the better of me...pushing me to the edge, letting me dangle there awhile, and then watched me all wide-eyed and giddy as I plunged deep into the abyss. It's not like I didn't warn them it would happen. I assume the goal was to imprison me further. Unfortunately for them, and for you, it enabled me to finally break free. Oh sure, the disdain is still apparent it's almost as if I inhale it with every breath. And I've learned to live with that. But I negotiated the barrier, Slimmy. I escaped the dungeon you made for me, trapping my heart and mind, and I freed my soul. The only one in control now is me, myself and I. Not you. Not them. Just the one with the power to achieve. It burns, doesn't it, Slim?

Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 3

2008-06-27T00:03:00.002-05:00

Hey Slim. Let's talk about your boy tonight. He's smart as a whip, that one. Can't put nothing past him. He's slippery and sly, and you know he inherited that from you. Putting his own little spin on every story he spews. He really knows how to turn the tables. Or so he thinks. What he doesn't realize, as you didn't, is that I'm alot smarter than he gives me credit for. I keep telling him over and over that the biggest mistake he can make is to underestimate me. Yet he still does every single time. You know something Slim, it's different this time. A young mind is at the center of controversy here and though still a challenge in its own right, the intense fear is absent. That's not to say I'm not anxious about what tomorrow brings, but I'm fighting this battle a bit more calmly this time around. I will always be in control this time, and I will use that control to twist and bend him into what he should be. You know what that is, right Slimmy? Kind. Respectful. Trusting. Honest. Rather than rude, disrespectful, gullible and sneaky. It's a daunting task considering he's so naive, just like you were. There's this distorted perception of reality, choosing to believe evil trumps good. But that's a learned behavior, and one that can be reversed. You taught him evil. I'll teach him the consequences of that evil. What goes around comes around, my man. You of all souls should know that.

Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 2

2008-06-08T16:07:00.003-05:00

Hey Slim,

This chapter won't make you weep, Slim....just the opposite. You'll be happy to know that your dying wish came true. Do you remember what you said to me that night in your fit of rage? Well, the Master granted your wish and brought your words to reality in a big, big way. Driving me "nuts" was putting it mildly my dear man. Each and every day is a struggle where my patience is pushed so far to the limit that I teeter precariously on the brink of total insanity. How I am able to push on through it all is a sheer mystery to me. It's way more than I can bear, Slim, and it's a miracle I'm still around to tell about it. Oftentimes I wonder why it was you instead of me that had to go. What did I do to deserve this? Why oh why was I chosen to endure the sorrow, the heartache, the misery? In my mind's eye I see you, jumping up and down with utter glee over the fact that he's picked up where you left off. Does it warm your cold heart, Slimmy, knowing your disdain lives on, continuing to cause so much pain that it numbs my soul? Is that your laughter I hear in the faraway rumble of thunder? Are you happy over there knowing that I'm here living in the personal prison you so painstakingly built for me all those years ago? One day I'll break free, Slim, and I'll know the sweet peace your world brings.

Stay tuned, my love. I have so much more to say to you.

Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 1

2008-05-30T20:09:00.004-05:00

My dearest Slimmy,

I dreamt of you last night. A rather disturbing dream, as all dreams of you have been lately. I was about to leave you, walk away forever, when I turned back around, looked you dead in the eye and said "Fight for me." More than anything I wanted you to fight to keep me around so that I could love you and care for you always. You meant the world to me, Slim. I would've hung the moon or moved mountains if you asked me to. Nothing worth having comes without some kind of fight, Slim, and I was worth having so you should have fought and fought hard. I was always yours to win, you knew that, yet you never saw me for what I was worth. The one who sat quietly on the side in front of others, but in private lavished you with more love than even I realized I was capable of. You were worth it to me, so why was it so hard for you to reciprocate? All those years ago I gave myself completely to you and you chewed me up and spit me out but I put myself back together, my spirit broken and bruised, and gave myself to you over and over again. I saw more in you than you saw in yourself. A woman like that is a rare find, Slim, and now you'll never find it again. Lost forever is your chance to be loved.

There's many more chapters to this saga, my dear, so sit back and relax in your other world and get ready to read them and weep. Weep for what could have been, and what I pray will one day be mine again.

With all my love.....

WTF??...The Flipside

2008-05-26T20:50:00.008-05:00

Things that make me smile, laugh and/or squeal with utter delight...

Flowers blooming. Sunshine. Giggling babies. Sleeping children. Steak, medium rare. Roller coasters. My mother-in-law. Surprise phone calls. Surprise emails. Making new friends. Hot fudge sundaes. Bear hugs. Fluffy pillows. Late night visitors. Corny jokes. Road trips. Twilight. Stolen kisses. 80s music. French Vanilla cappuccino. Cats purring. Peace and quiet. Goofy goobers...yeah! Finished projects. Empty laundry baskets. Cuddling. A clean house. Random acts of kindness. Fresh cut grass. Clean sheets. A second glance. A bold david abbott in my Inbox. \Weight loss. Riding Ripstiks. Dirty little secrets. Freshly fallen snow. Vacation. Air conditioning. Wet dreams. Light rain. Rainbows. Salary increases. Year-end bonuses. Yelling BINGO! Christmas parties. Families that get along. Found money. Successful new recipes. Guy Fieri. Compliments. Forgiveness. September 2020. Fond memories. New customers. Warm towels. Fruit Smoothie Skittles. Shopping. New hairdos. Manicures. Fireworks. My kids singing. Birds singing. Spiders. Oreos and milk. Waterslides. Nailing a 3-pointer. Making all the green lights. Tax refunds. Bargains. Chocolate. Dancing. First day of school. Making a house a home.

Have a beautiful day!

WTF??

2008-05-26T00:57:00.006-05:00

Things that tick me off.....

Undercooked food. Flat tires. People who don't know how to drive. Unanswered emails. Unanswered phone calls. Denied friend requests. GAS PRICES!! Interrupted sleep. Nosy neighbors. Power outages. Ass kissers. Missed trains. Traffic jams. Weeds. Dead plants. Carpet stains. Cats with fleas. Leaky pipes. Kids who cuss. Assistant principals. Stolen money. Criminals. Pedophiles. Domestic abuse. Child abuse. Bad report cards. Grubs eating my grass. Cable outages. Bird crap on my window. Men who use women. Backstabbers. Broken hearts. Broken promises. Hypocrites. Fake boobs. Phony people. Cellulite. Crazy cab drivers. Fear. Terrorism. Conceited people. Liars. Bullies. Speed limits. Arson. Zits. Bill collectors. Telemarketers. Junk mail. Daycare costs. Arrogance. Unsolicited sexual advances. Computer crashes. Identity theft. Bad music. Bad acting. Homelessness. People who patronize others. Poverty. Racism. Wasted food. Crack babies. Drunks. Infidelity. Negativity. Bad hair days. Animal cruelty. Ill-fitting clothes. Cold sores. Dust mites. Moldy cheese. One night stands. Clogged drains. Unrequited love.

Ok, I'm done.....for now

Blog? What blog?

2008-05-20T18:45:00.007-05:00

OK, I've been kicking around the idea of writing a blog for quite a while now and, since there's no time like the present, I've decided to give it a shot. After all, writing is listed as one of my interests and something I've aspired to for as long as I can remember. There's just one problem though....I've got millions of thoughts and ideas rolling around my massive brain but can't seem to find the correct way to put them on paper...or in this case, the computer. Naturally, I want my blog to be a collection of coherent sentences just brimming with wit and wisdom flowing effortlessly across the screen, captivating the reader and leaving them wanting more. So I ask myself: Self, is this something you can accomplish? Can your blog inspire and/or amuse your reader? Can you deconstruct all those jumbled thoughts in your head and put them out there for all the world to read and, more importantly, have it all make sense? Plenty of people write blogs all the time, so it can't be that difficult, right? Actually, many moons ago I vacationed, alone, in London and kept a journal chronicling my day-to-day adventures abroad. Well, what a mighty fine piece of literature that was if I do say so myself! So here I go embarking on another adventure, throwing caution to the wind, attempting to blog like no one's ever blogged before. Wish me luck in this new endeavor, dear readers, as I have a feeling I'm going to need it.